Praying together
How to start a family prayer group (that actually keeps going)
Most family prayer groups start the same way. Someone in the family chat says "we should pray for each other more", everyone agrees, and there's a flurry of messages for a week or two. Then it goes quiet, and nobody wants to be the one to bring it up again.
Usually that happens because the group was set up to need too much, even though everyone cares: a time everyone has to be free, a call everyone has to join, or a stream of requests that nobody can keep up with. A prayer group that keeps going asks very little of each person on any given day, so that missing a day doesn't sink it. Here's how I'd set one up.
Who to invite
Start with the people who'd actually say yes. That might be your parents and your siblings, or you and your cousins, or your grandmother and the three grandchildren who ring her most. It doesn't have to be the whole family at once.
Ask each person on their own rather than announcing it to everyone. A quiet "I'm starting a small prayer group with Mum and Dan, would you like to be in it?" is much easier to say yes to, and much easier to say no to, than a message to forty people. People who say no can always join later, and some of them will once they see it's gentle.
Keep it small
Four to eight people is a good size to start. In a small group everyone knows everyone, people feel safe saying what's really going on, and you can actually hold each person in mind when you pray. If more of the family wants in later, that's lovely, but there's nothing wrong with two or three small groups instead of one big one. Your mum's side and your dad's side might each want their own.
A simple pattern that works
The pattern I'd suggest is this: one shared prayer for a week, everyone prays it on their own, each day, whenever suits them, and you have a short check-in at the end of the week.
The shared prayer can be anything. It might be for one person in the family who's going through something, for a decision someone's facing, or a prayer from the Bible or an old prayer book that you all want to make your own. Keep it short enough to pray in a minute. One person picks it each week, and you can take turns.
Praying it on your own is what makes this work for a busy family. Your brother can pray it on the train, your aunt with her morning tea, your teenager before bed. Nobody has to be anywhere at a particular time, and the thing that holds you together is that you're all saying the same words to God that day.
The check-in is just a few lines at the end of the week. Did anything change? Is there news about the person you prayed for? What should next week's prayer be? It can be a message in the chat or five minutes at Sunday lunch. Keep it short, so the praying stays the main thing.
Moses told the people of Israel to keep God's words in front of their families through ordinary days, and that's all a pattern like this really does:
And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Prayer requests without gossip
This is where family prayer groups most often go wrong, so it's worth agreeing on a couple of things at the start.
First, people share their own requests, not other people's. "Please pray for me, I've got a hard conversation at work this week" is a prayer request. "Please pray for Sarah, she's been drinking again" is news about Sarah, and unless Sarah asked you to share it, it isn't yours to share. If you're worried about someone, you can ask the group to pray for them by name without the details. God knows the details already.
Second, what's said in the group stays in the group. That matters even more in a family, where things travel fast and everyone has opinions. Proverbs puts it plainly:
A gossip reveals a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.
It also helps to keep requests short, and to say what the person actually wants prayer for. "Pray I sleep before the exam" is easier to pray than a long story, and it keeps the group from turning into a place to talk things over.
When the family is spread across time zones
The one-prayer-a-week pattern is good for families who live far apart, because nobody has to be awake at the same time. Your sister in Lagos can pray it with her breakfast, your parents in Houston with theirs, and you in London in your lunch break. You're praying the same words on the same day, in your own morning or evening.
For the check-in, pick a day rather than a time, and let people answer when they can. Twenty-four hours is plenty of room. If you do want to meet on a call now and then, rotate who gets the awkward hour so it isn't always the same person up late.
Bringing children in
Children can be part of this from very young. A short shared prayer is something a five-year-old can learn by the end of the week, and it's good for them to hear that their grandparents, on the other side of the world, are praying the same thing. Let them pick the prayer some weeks, or let them suggest who you pray for. Their requests will be about the dog and their friend's broken arm, and that's exactly right.
Older children and teenagers are a different matter. Invite them, and mean it when you say it's fine to say no. A teenager who joins because they want to will stay longer than one who was signed up.
What to do when it fizzles
It will go quiet at some point. Someone stops checking in, then someone else, and after a few weeks you realise nobody's picked a prayer. That's normal, and it doesn't mean the group is finished.
When it happens, don't send a message telling everyone off. Just pick a short prayer, post it, and say you're praying it this week and anyone's welcome to join in. Often that's all it takes. If it's still quiet, make it smaller: drop to a prayer every two weeks, or to whoever's still keen. Two people praying for the family is still a family prayer group.
It can help to remember why you started. Paul tells the Galatians:
Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Carrying each other's burdens like that has never needed a perfect record, only a few people who keep coming back to it.
A tool that can help
You can run all of this in a group chat. If you'd like something built for it, Mutter, our free iPhone app, has groups. You make a group and invite people with a code, and an admin sets a group prayer for a number of days. Everyone in the group sees it each day and says Amen when they've prayed it, and admins can see who's joined. There's also a prayer list for the people you pray for on your own, and a morning prayer each day if you'd like a ready-made one to share.
Questions
How many people should be in a family prayer group?
Four to eight is a good place to start. It's small enough that people feel safe sharing and you can keep each person in mind. If more people want to join, you can start a second group.
How often should a family prayer group meet?
It doesn't need to meet at all in the usual sense. Pray one shared prayer on your own each day for a week, then have a short check-in in the chat or over a meal at the end of the week.
What should we pray for as a family?
Each other's real needs, shared by the person themselves, as well as the wider family, your church, and the people and places you care about. A short Bible prayer or an old written prayer is a good choice for weeks when nobody has a request.
How do we pray together when we live in different countries?
Pray the same prayer on the same day, each in your own time zone. Check in on a set day rather than at a set time, so everyone can answer when they're awake.