The funny bits

And Abraham and Sarah were already old and well along in years; Sarah had passed the age of childbearing. So she laughed to herself, saying, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

Philip found Nathanael and told him, “We have found the One Moses wrote about in the Law, the One the prophets foretold—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”

Then the angel of the LORD came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon and said, “The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor.”

But Moses replied, “Please, Lord, send someone else.”

Thus Samuel had all the tribes of Israel come forward, and the tribe of Benjamin was selected. Then he had the tribe of Benjamin come forward by its clans, and the clan of Matri was selected. Finally, Saul son of Kish was selected. But when they looked for him, they could not find him.

“Do not be enraged, my lord,” Aaron replied. “You yourself know that the people are intent on evil. They told me, ‘Make us gods who will go before us. As for this Moses who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has happened to him!’ So I said to them, ‘Whoever has gold, let him take it off,’ and they gave it to me. And when I threw it into the fire, out came this calf!”

So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha’s house. Then Elisha sent him a messenger, who said, “Go and wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored, and you will be clean.” But Naaman went away angry, saying, “I thought that he would surely come out, stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, and wave his hand over the spot to cure my leprosy. Are not the Abanah and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not have washed in them and been cleansed?” So he turned and went away in a rage.

Of David, when he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, so that the king drove him away. I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. So he changed his behavior before them and feigned madness in their hands; he scratched on the doors of the gate and let his saliva run down his beard. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!

Then the LORD opened the donkey’s mouth, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you that you have beaten me these three times?” But the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not the donkey you have ridden all your life until today? Have I ever treated you this way before?” “No,” he replied.

Then the LORD hurled a great wind upon the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship was in danger of breaking apart. The sailors were afraid, and each cried out to his own god. And they threw the ship’s cargo into the sea to lighten the load. But Jonah had gone down to the lowest part of the vessel, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep.

“Come!” said the sailors to one another. “Let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity that is upon us.” So they cast lots, and the lot fell on Jonah. “Tell us now,” they demanded, “who is to blame for this calamity that is upon us? What is your occupation, and where have you come from? What is your country, and who are your people?”

When dawn came the next day, God appointed a worm that attacked the plant so that it withered. As the sun was rising, God appointed a scorching east wind, and the sun beat down on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint and wished to die, saying, “It is better for me to die than to live.”

And they took the bull that was given them, prepared it, and called on the name of Baal from morning until noon, shouting, “O Baal, answer us!” But there was no sound, and no one answered as they leaped around the altar they had made.

At noon Elijah began to taunt them, saying, “Shout louder, for he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or occupied, or on a journey. Perhaps he is sleeping and must be awakened!”

and said, “Fill four waterpots and pour the water on the offering and on the wood.” “Do it a second time,” he said, and they did it a second time. “Do it a third time,” he said, and they did it a third time.

And when he had realized this, he went to the house of Mary the mother of John, also called Mark, where many people had gathered together and were praying. He knocked at the outer gate, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer it. When she recognized Peter’s voice, she was so overjoyed that she forgot to open the gate, but ran inside and announced, “Peter is standing at the gate!”

On the first day of the week we came together to break bread. Since Paul was ready to leave the next day, he talked to them and kept on speaking until midnight. Now there were many lamps in the upper room where we were gathered. And a certain young man named Eutychus, seated in the window, was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell from the third story and was picked up dead.

One young man who had been following Jesus was wearing a linen cloth around his body. They caught hold of him, but he pulled free of the linen cloth and ran away naked.

Finally Jacob said to Laban, “Grant me my wife, for my time is complete, and I want to sleep with her.” So Laban invited all the men of that place and prepared a feast. But when evening came, Laban took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and he slept with her. And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter Leah as her maidservant. When morning came, there was Leah! “What have you done to me?” Jacob said to Laban. “Wasn’t it for Rachel that I served you? Why have you deceived me?”

As they traveled along, Jesus entered a village where a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to His message. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations to be made. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her to help me!”

So He got up from the supper, laid aside His outer garments, and wrapped a towel around His waist. After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and dry them with the towel that was around Him.

“Watch out!” Jesus told them. “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”

A dispute also arose among the disciples as to which of them should be considered the greatest.

Then Peter and the other disciple set out for the tomb. The two were running together, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first.

I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree together, so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be united in mind and conviction. Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul?

Walk in the manner of the ant, O slacker; observe its ways and become wise. Without a commander, without an overseer or ruler, it prepares its provisions in summer; it gathers its food at harvest.

What has been will be again, and what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.

Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me.

When Jesus had said this, He spit on the ground, made some mud, and applied it to the man’s eyes. Then He told him, “Go, wash in the Pool of Siloam” (which means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came back seeing.

“What did He do to you?” they asked. “How did He open your eyes?” He replied, “I already told you, and you did not listen. Why do you want to hear it again? Do you also want to become His disciples?”

Then Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. And there was a man named Zacchaeus, a chief tax collector, who was very wealthy. He was trying to see who Jesus was, but could not see over the crowd because he was small in stature. So he ran on ahead and climbed a sycamore tree to see Him, since Jesus was about to pass that way.